I Don't Write Pornography

Be it known from this day forward that I do not write Pornography, Poetry, or Personal memoirs, which seems to put me in a very tiny class of writers. This is not to say that The Three Pees are somehow offensive or lame; it's just that I swear that a thousand people have said to me, "Oh, gee, I'm a writer, too! Don't you just love being a writer! Wee-hee!" (Not in those exact words, of course.) I can usually tell what's coming next: "My boyfriend and I used to write poetry to each other in high school, you know..." Groan. Next topic, please. (Incidentally, this is one of the main reasons I refuse to go to "writer's" conferences.)

I don't mean to disparage real poets, who probably number around fifty in North America alone. It really does take an extraordinary wordsmith and a keen valuer to be a true poet. I just don't appreciate how everyone—especially family—assumes that I write about my grandmother's unhappy marriage. It's like they wouldn't know a work of art even if its enormous private parts were dangling right in front of their faces.

Notice that Michelangelo clearly was not trying to work out his inner demons when he sculpted David. He was an artist, an A-R-T-I-S-T. That word is holy in my bible, and if you think I'm being over-the-top about this, then you need to get yourself some serious philosophical tutoring before your mind wastes away like some forgotten, shriveled-up, pitted pie cherry. There. That's my little rant. So next time I run into the "Gee-whiz-I'm-a-writer" type, I'll just have to direct him to my website.